Humour
Quotes
Where is Wood?
“Where
is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still
in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.”
― J.
K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
“He
cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.
“Green
grass breaks through snow.
Artemis
pleads for my help.
I am
so cool.”
He
grinned at us, waiting for applause.
"That
last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.
Apollo
frowned. “Was it?”
“Yes.
What about I am so bigheaded?”
“No,
no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself.
Zoe
Nightshade turned to us. “Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase
ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If
I’d had to hear one more poem that started with, There once was a godess from
Sparta-"
“I’ve
got it!” Apollo announced. “I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed,
looking very pleased with himself.”
―
Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse
“There
is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
―
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
“I
know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.”
―
Matt Groening
“There's
no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was
clear in the snap itself.”
―
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
“It's
like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.”
―
Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
“Résumé
Razors
pain you,
Rivers
are damp,
Acids
stain you,
And
drugs cause cramp.
Guns
aren't lawful,
Nooses
give,
Gas
smells awful.
You
might as well live.”
―
Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope
“Puns
are the highest form of literature.”
―
Alfred Hitchcock
“It
takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing
nothing, really doing nothing.”
―
Gertrude Stein
“Write
what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”
―
Howard Nemerov
“Some
people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some
people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some
people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
―
George Carlin
“The
secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it
made.”
―
Groucho Marx
“Laughter
and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to
laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
―
Kurt Vonnegut
“The
last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on
the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.”
―
Kurt Vonnegut
“The
older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom.”
―
H.L. Mencken
“The
world is a stage and the play is badly cast.”
―
Oscar Wilde
“I
like men who have a future and women who have a past.”
―
Oscar Wilde
“Meow”
means “woof” in cat.”
―
George Carlin
“Do
you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All
the time.”
―
Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life
“Men
are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
―
George Carlin
