Humour
Quotes
Black
Holes
“The
longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.”
―
Nikolai V. Gogol
“I'm
going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No,
wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in
front of his."
Well,
there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position
ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches from
his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a
soft, singsong voice.
His
eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick
and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop,
we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us
off again.”
―
Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
“A
diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance
covers?”
―
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
“It's
hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
―
Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
“I've
lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually
happened.”
―
Mark Twain
“Black
holes are where God divided by zero.”
―
Albert Einstein
“Some
people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”
―
Steve Martin
“Ginny!"
said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have
I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't
see where it keeps its brain?”
―
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
“Jace
shook his blond head in exasperation.
"You
had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling
tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?”
―
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass
“A
smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
―
Phyllis Diller
“No
sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a
naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"
"They
go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.
"And
what is hell? Can you tell me that?"
"A
pit full of fire."
"And
should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"
"No,
sir."
"What
must you do to avoid it?"
I
deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I
must keep in good health and not die.”
―
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
“When
God Created Mothers"
When
the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of
"overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot
of fiddling around on this one."
And
God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be
completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all
replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when
she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a
disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The
angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no
way."
It's
not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the
three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
That's
on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
One
pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in
there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees
what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in
front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I
love you' without so much as uttering a word."
God,"
said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest
tomorrow...."
I
can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to
myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a
family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand
under a shower."
The
angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she
sighed.
But
tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do
or endure."
Can
it think?"
Not
only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally,
the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
There's
a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too
much into this model."
It's
not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
What's
it for?"
It's
for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
You
are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly,
God said, "I didn't put it there.”
―
Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers
“A
friend said to me, “Hey you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair, Bro.” It’s when
someone calls you weak, but they associate it with a lack of testicles. Which
is weird, because testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you
suddenly just grew a pair, you’d be a lot more vulnerable. If you want to be
tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough, you should grow a
vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
―
Sheng Wang
“I
always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
―
Charles Lamb
“I
hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse,
expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.”
―
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
“Headline?"
he asked.
"'Swing
Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately
Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely,
Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
―
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
“My
rapier wit hides my inner pain.”
―
Cassandra Clare
“Trains
are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it."
Tessa
was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
"I've
never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But
think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck
his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”
―
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
“Maybe
our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
―
Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
“An
Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have....
Are you sure?"
"Yes
I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well,
you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d
worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”
―
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
